What Do Legislators Know About Vagina Moxie?
Elia Esparza, Spicy Cilantro
Originally published at Spicy Cilantro
Published on LatinoLA: June 20, 2012
It took me nearly six decades to be able to say out loud: I've got Vagina Moxie and I'm Latina!
Celebrating a milestone today. Everyone is telling me that getting older is just making me better, like a fine bottle of wine. My inner self is rolling over laughing!
With the recent Michigan sexist, macho lawmakers shutting up their female legislators for saying "vagina," well, that just fired me up! But 15 years ago, I would have never had the nerve to speak up or contradict these men.
All my life, that little inner voice said enough to keep me in my place with my lips sealed. That was then. This is now. One of the perks of turning 60 is that we claim our voice and silence the fears that ask whoever likes it or not. Dang, saying it out loud feels so good. "I found my roar!"
You've seen "Madmen?"
Well, I stand with Madwomen and embrace the sabotaging inner self with cariño and respect. And, as a woman, a Latina no less, I bet I'm not the only one who does. I'm not talking about a Sybil split-personality disorder. No, I'm talking about how our right side of the brain says one thing, and the other side just cracks up knowing full well that whatever it is you're committing to or desiring, you'd be better off flushing down the porcelain express.
My inner self is a comedienne set in her ways, stubborn little witch... her way or the highway.
The funny voice has kept me locked inside this cozy cage. At least "You're safe," she'd whisper. Throughout my childhood, it said things like, "You deserve to be beat... to be abused… you're not pretty… etc."
As a young adult, the funny lady would respond to any idea I came up with: "If you thought of it, it can't be any good." Or, "For sure someone else already thought of it cause you're not smart enough to be original."
You see what I mean by flushable?
Most of my life, my ego (which was controlled by the comedienne) has never really tried to go the extra mile. I did fine by just scraping by because I knew deep down that I was as good or better so I had nothing to prove to anyone.
So the comedienne said.
"What does it matter that so and so got her script made into a movie, you know you're better." And, I did. The comedienne said just the right things to stroke my ego and keep me inert, always a step behind my peers.
But, as the years crept by, something magical happened… my outer self got stronger and more confident. The first time I stood up against the comedienne, OMG! I almost fainted! I was sick of hearing, "You never had children because God is punishing you ... no wonder your husband left you." The comedienne was using God and that was the last straw for me! If you can imagine me throwing a left hook at the comedienne and she flying back a few yards! That's how liberated I felt.
Today, I am 60 years young. There I said it. I own it. And, you know what? I have more courage, confidence and creativity than ever before.
It has taken embracing discipline (something my inner self avoids at all costs) and also, losing my beloved little dog, Casper, this past Valentine's Day. It hit me so hard with grief that it woke me up from my fear coma.
For the past 13 1/2 years, Casper was my excuse for not doing or going anywhere. I believe my little one realized that while he was here, I was never going to let go of him. He loved me enough to say good-bye. The comedienne tried to creep back into my life during this vulnerable and painful time, but I was stronger for the experience. My love of self finally penetrated every cell in my body.
At 60, I accept I need to lose weight, and if I keep with the discipline, the pounds may disappear, but if they don't, at least I'll be healthier and accept that I am how I am. I'm beautiful!
Maybe not in the conventional, Hollywood-magazine-cover way, but in my womanhood, yep, soy muy bonita!
So if you are allowing your inner self to impede your growth and well-being, remember it takes active love to fight these demons. The price of negativity annihilates your sense of peace.
But healing a sick upbringing and society is no easy thing. One huge step for me was to stop dwelling on the past and concentrate on the present… it is the only thing you can do anything about.
Each morning, I wake up and close my eyes and visualize what I want my inner self to look like and I concentrate on her. Keep her in power, you rule. Most mornings, I see myself walking my dog, breathing in the sun or clouds and twirling in the rain.
At 60, I embrace "the magical something" to be creating relevant and compelling stories for television and movies… and I fight daily against "the obstacle" of fear… I no longer have to listen to a voice in my head saying things like: "Who do you think you are?..." "They're going to laugh at your work…." I will never again cop out to that easy street because of fear.
Today only the heaven of success is acceptable.
I have forgiven my comedienne self and embraced her. We're buddies riding on the same wave. And if she gets a little testy, I just shove her off… a good soaking usually wakes her up.
A broken spirit cannot fly.
You're OK, Elia. "I'm Mexi-can, not Mexi-can't!" Now go write your Latinowood!
Be aware of Latinas with Vagina Moxie!