The Cheating Chicano Husband Version 2.0
Plucked to pieces by two Chicana Chicken Hawks!
The Holidays were over, and like most men I was concentrating on watching some sports. The basketball games are always great after the Holidays and I was looking forward to watching some big games.
Published on LatinoLA: April 11, 2017
Unfortunately, there was one, or should I say two small problems and these were how to get my wife and la suegra out of the house. Instinctively, as a man I knew that I had to outsmart them, because when it came to their novelas, they attached
themselves to the sofa in front of the big screen TV like superglue to skin.
My dog Vato, finally gave me a good idea. You see, each time I fed him he wagged his tail, which showed me he was happy. I realized that each time shopping was ever mentioned, my wife and la suegra would get all excited just like Vato.
So with all the talk of fake news on TV, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea. I had a friend of mine who is a graphic artist created a fake store sales flyer for me. On the flyer it stated that all clothing was marked down sixty percent off, but only upon the date of the big game! Plus I made sure the store was way across town, and that it would take at least an hour's drive time just to get there.
So I figured, one hour for them to get here, and then one hour to get back home. Plus three hours shopping and an hour for lunch and chisme with their friends, would give me enough time to enjoy the big game.
The plan was perfect! So, I went to the store and picked up some sodas, chicken, salsa, chips and hotdog buns. I also invited my neighbor's Tony and Pablo over, since they were only too happy to watch the a big game on my new 60 inch 4k HDTV, besides Tony cooks some mean as hell barbecue chicken, Orale!
Later that day the phone rang during the game and it was my wife. She said that everything was fine, except for the fact that the sixty percent off flyer was dead
wrong. I said, "Don't worry honey, you and la suegra just have a good time, more than likely someone just made a mistake on that dumb flyer." Inside, I couldn't contain my happiness!
"Okay babe" she said, but there are some really nice clothes we want to buy here?" I replied acting surprised, "So what, you have your credit cards with you, don't you?" "Yes, I think I do, well sort of," replied my wife. "Well then, remember what I said when you left, "Enjoy your shopping!"
"Are you sure, you won't mind if I spend a bit more than normal, "asked my wife. "Why, of course not, My money is your money! I have to go now honey, the how to fix a broken toilet part is coming on TV." "Okay, see you later babe," said my wife, she seemed satisfied that everything was under control at home.
She hanged up just as the team dancers were doing their thing, what perfect timing. What a game, several six packs, and six wonderful hours later I heard the car drive up. By then I had already gotten rid of all the trash and had cleaned up the mess. Tony and
Pablo had already gone home and my dog Vato had disposed of the leftovers, so I was one very happy camper.
Suddenly the front door opened, and they walked in chattering away like two teenage girls on a first date. They were carrying several shopping bags full of expensive goodies. "How did your shopping go honey," I asked. "Oh, it was great babe except for one little thing." "Oh, and what was that," I asked. "Well, I had switched purses and didn't realize that I had left all my credit cards at home.
But not to worry, mother saved the day, she found your Platinum card lying on my dresser and assumed you had left it there for me to use, so she brought it with her. By the way, mother was really pleased to know that you had been so generous as to pay for our shopping spree!"
"What," I stammered! "My entire body went limp, my heart was pounding, and hands sweating as I prepared myself for the shock to come. "Err, how much did you put on my card, honey?" "Oh, not too much babe with all the shopping and lunch it added up to around eight-hundred and fifty dollars more or less! But it wasn't our fault that the coupons on the flyer weren't any good!" The temperature in the room went up as visions of my planned trip to Las Vegas with Pablo and Tony to see the famed showgirls went flying out the window as my card was now maxed out!
I decided to take a real deep breath and not lose it, because after all it had been my idea. As I walked towards the front door I passed la suegra who was sitting on the sofa with an angelic look on her face. "Mija, it's almost time for our novela," she shouted to my wife. "Okay, mom, I'll be there in a minute," replied my wife from the kitchen. As I walked out the door, I just couldn't help but wonder what went wrong?
Outside, I was met by my dog Vato who tried his best to cheer me up. He walked up to me wagging his tail and carrying a large bone from the big game party. Then adding insult to injury, La suegra peeked outside and said, "It's time for supper mijo." I asked, "What are we having?" "Oh don't worry mijo, we stopped and got you a small salad to help you with your new weight loss goals!" I could almost swear I saw a little smirk cross her face.
Well, next time I'll do better, I thought to myself. But this time around I felt just like a rooster who had gotten his feathers plucked by two Chicana chicken hawks! Even my dog Vato stuck out his tongue at la suegra and wagged his tail in sympathy for me! Now I know why a dog, is man's best friend!
Copyright Frank Solis 2017 All Rights Reserved
Frank Solis is a Chicano writer and poet who works to promote edumacation among Mexican American youth.